


Dave smegging Lister

by StarstuckByTheKinks



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: AU, Art School, M/M, Swearing, again i don't know why, hope y'all like it, i don't know why, lister is a bicon, original character from mars, rimmers life's a mess, selby and chen are soulmates, selby does drag, sorry if i don't finish this, soulmate
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 04:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19243441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarstuckByTheKinks/pseuds/StarstuckByTheKinks
Summary: Not just an art school au but a soulmate art school au.When you are on the same planet as your soulmate a compass appears on your wrist to lead you to them.When Rimmer lands on Earth he can sense that it's there but you doesn't dare look. Unfortunately his parents do and when they see the name "David Lister" they aren't very happy.





	1. Chapter 1

He was on holiday with the his parents when it happened. They were on holiday in Paris, Earth to celebrate Rimmer joining the space core. Rimmer had failed to inform them that he was joining as a technician and not as an officer. He also hadn’t told them that he had failed the entrance test with the academy. But it wouldn’t make any difference anyway. He would be a technician for a while and then when the engineers exam came around he would pass and up the ziggurat likety split.

At least he would have if this god forsaken bastard David smegging Lister hadn’t lived on earth. 

Back in the olden days, when humans had yet to travel to other planets, they believed that soul marks would appear as soon as the youngest of the two were born. But when they had first travelled to mars things changed. As soon as they entered the atmosphere the astronauts soul marks would disappear. It turns out that soulmates were only detected when they were on the same planet.

Unfortunately a lot of people couldn't afford to search every planet for their soulmate.

Lister was one of these people. He knew he wasn’t on the right planet as the women he would give his heart to but he loved earth to much to leave it. He had considered, for a brief moment, going out to Mimas but he didn't see the point. Who wants to spend their whole lives with one woman anyway? Or a man either for that matter. He didn't care for relationships. So why spend all his money to leave a place that he loved? 

He believed he would never meet his soulmate. He was even happy about it! So it was a bit of a shock to him when a compass with the words Arnold Rimmer appeared on his wrist. The name was in perfect calligraphy and painted in an array of beautiful colours. 

As much of a shock it was for Dave it was worse for Arnold. He hadn’t noticed at first. Rimmer had made sure of it. His worst fear was meeting his soulmate. Meeting some woman who was disappointed that she was not matched with an officer. Meeting a woman who despised him, who was awfully like his mother. So, knowing that he may well get his compass when on earth, he made sure that he didn't look at it. So far it was going well. 

They had landed in La Grande Aéroport in a country in south central Earth, and took a hopper to the capital city. He hadn’t looked but he knew it was there. He knew the compass was waiting for him to meet a woman who would break up with him before they had started dating.

They had arrived at the hotel his mother beckoned a droid over and ordered a bottle of champagne. She had claimed it was for all of them but Arnold knew that she would be happy to drink the whole bottle.

“Cheers” His father said, his nostrils flared, still not understanding how his last son wasn’t a captain yet. 

“Cheers!” Mrs. Rimmer shouted quickly and downed her glass.

“Cheers!” Arnold congratulated himself. He was going to make it. Yes, Astronavigation was the most boring thing in the solar system but at least it was an excuse to make beautiful revision timetables.

“Arnold!”

‘Mother?”

“Your wrist” She gulped another some more of her wine.

Oh.

My wrist.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She grabbed his arm and examined it. Loosening her grip slightly she frowned “Oh”

“Oh?”

“You better not tell your father about this, Arnold”

“Better not tell me what?” Mr.Rimmer bellowed.

“Nothing dear” She squeaked as he grabbed his sons arm, almost dislocating it. 

Arnold could hardly breath while his father examined the compass. Arnold had yet to read his compass but could see it was a pastel turquoise colour. He thought back to the watercolours he had in his suitcase at that very moment. He thought about how much green, blue and white he would need. He wondered if it was more the colour of a November evening sky or a summer night's sea. He was about to wonder if his new soulmate had seen the colour when his farther tightened his grip on his wrist.

“David Lister?”

“Sorry?”

“David smegging Lister”

“I don’t know what-“

“You’re soulmate is a man called David Lister”

In hindsight Arnold saw that he should have been concerned for his own skin, as he usually was, and not spend his time thinking how David was such a nice name. So common. So perfect.

He hadn’t even realised that David Lister was a mans name. Not until his father's face became too red to ignore.

Soon enough Arnold Rimmer was on is own in a brightly lit waiting room. He was waiting for a conductor droid to get him an ice pack for his black eye and tickets for the next plane to London, England. 

It wasn’t that Lister was going in search of his soulmate because he wasn’t. He just happened to be going to to art collage in London which, as far as he could tell, where his compass was pointing to.

Dave had chosen London because his mate Mike had a spare room there and his mother was going to kick him out if he didn’t leave anyway.

The journey from Liverpool to London wasn’t that bad, he only had to take two air trains and hopper to get there. The journey through London though was dreadful. They still had those old undergrounds in London and because they were so old and slow they were really cheap. Lister thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to spend a couple 100 dollerpounds to get there a bit slow. Its not like he particularly wanted to be there. 

When Lister finally arrived he was a bit dishevelled but he dragged himself up the stone steps. A man in an equally dishevelled state bumped into him.

“Hey watch it!” He yelled at the man. How can you bump into someone walking in the same direction as you.

“Sorry” The man said and then mumbled under his breath “Are you so nervous that you can’t walk in a straight line! You utter goit!”

“Excuse me?”

“No! Sorry!”

“What did you say?!” Lister walked up to the man who cowered in return.

"Sorry i was talking to myself, nervous habit”

“Oh” Lister backed away “You don’t got to be nervous, man”

“I’m hardly trying”

“Hey, it’s not like you’ve actually got to be good at anything to pass right?”

“It’s not passing, its getting in that the problem”

“You’ve not applied yet?” Lister asked incredulously as he led the nervous man through the grand doors.

“I only just arrived on the planet!”

“Oh smeg, where you from?”

“Io” The man scratched the back of his neck.

“Io? Not a posh twat are you?” Lister joked and joined the queue to talk to the secretary droid.

“Would a posh twat run away from a life as an officer to be a broke art student with his male soulmate?”

“Yeah” He laughed “No but seriously man it’s nothing to worry about, I’ve never painted in my life and I got in”

“Really? never even drawn a crude doodle?” The man gave him a small smile. The person in front of Lister thanked the droid and left, leaving her smiling her lipless smile.

He stole one last look at the man next to him.  
“Good luck man, sorry about having to run away from lo and all that, but Earth welcomes you with open arms. I bet that that male soulmate will welcome you with more than a few open things” He wiggled his eyebrows as the man coughed awkwardly. The droid gave him a 'I’m waiting' look. “See ya soon, man”

Lister walked forward to the droid and mumbled “David Lister”

“First term here, yes?”

“Yeah…” She continued speaking but her words faded into the background as his mind wandered to the man behind him.

Soon the droid interrupted by giving him his timetable.

Lister opened it and almost screamed. He had classes, first thing in the afternoon! Smeg! Whose together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste! “Uhh…” He was about to turn away and tell the droid that it was all a big mistake and he didn’t want to be an artist after all when he saw a particular posh twat. His heart melted, he knew he liked blokes but this was ridiculous. Yeah, he may have very flared nostrils but he also had the curliest hair that he was obviously trying so hard to keep tidy. His eyes were so full of expression that it was a surprise that they weren’t spilling all his secrets.

He ran out before he did something stupid like kissing that beautiful smeg head.

In all the excitement he had forgotten to ask for his name. He knew it was unlikely but somewhere in the back of his mind he was hoping that the man's name was the same as the one burned on his wrist.

Arnold Judas Rimmer.


	2. Chapter 2

When Rimmer arrived his new bunkmate took it upon himself to try and get Rimmer to go out and do something. Obviously he had failed because Arnold Judas Rimmer was a stubborn goit but Mat had tried anyway. 

Rimmer's new bunkmate was a martian called Matias. He had come to Earth to discover his spanish heritage only to discover that Spain was pretty much empty. It had the raw spanishness that he was looking for but he decided that he no longer wanted it. Most cities in Spain, including Barcelona, had moved to mars. And coming from one of the big cities on mars, Bamarselona, he didn't like it very much. So he phoned his grandma who told him that his great grandfather was half Welsh, so decided to go there. 

Two days after arriving in Wales he realised that it was really, really boring. The only time people ever talked to each other was to argue about the proper way to be welsh. A three hour train journey later and he was in London. Which was pretty shit as well. Mat decided that, as it was the bog planet, it was all pretty shit so he found the cheapest university and sucked it up.

"And that's how i got here!" Mat finished enthusiastically.

"Wonderful" Rimmer said, ironing his ties for the fifth time this morning.

"So what do you say?" Mat asked him after a while

"What?"

"Come out with me"

"Uhhmmm..."

"Me and Tina are going down to the pub if you want to join"

"Ohhh... no"

"Are you sure?" Mat prompted

"Quite, quite sure" Rimmer growled with a smile

"Come on"

"I would rather not" Rimmer held tightly to his military gray tie.

"I know you want to"

"No I don't you smeg faced piece of shit!" Rimmer shouted.

Mat slumped away.

Rimmer left to the laundry room for the fourth time and when he returned Mat was gone. "You really are a smeg head, Rimmer" he told himself. He dragged his feet to his bunk and let out a sigh as he crashed onto it.

Every fear he ever had was coming true. His parents finding out about him. Finding out he was gay. He feared being hated yet he refused to be anything more than a selfish goit. He shouted at the only person who wanted to be his friend in a long time. And Mat really had. He wanted to go out to the pub with Rimmer. Yes, he had been a bit pushy but who on lo wouldn't want to go out for a drink? 

Then Arnold Judas Rimmer did one of the bravest things he had done in his life. He swallowed his pride. He swallowed his fears. He got his coat and made his way down to the pub.

 

****

Unlike Rimmer, Lister was fitting in nicely. He had already made some new mates. Peterson, Selby and Chen were not unlike his mates in Liverpool. They were loud, obnoxious and almost always pissed out of their skulls. They were a laugh and that's all that mattered to lister.

"Oi Listy" Peterson bellowed across the table "You met that bird, Kotchanski, yet?"

"No, why?"

"Alright boys! Tenner says he'll be head over heels for her by tomorrow!" Perterson pulled a grimy ten dollerpound note out of his breast pocket and the other two cheered.

"Hey! I'm not the type to go head over heels for someone in one day"

"Alright boys! Tenner says he's the type of boy who'll go head over heels in one day"

"Hey, hey! Pipe down would ye"

"So Listy" Chen leaned forward conspiratorial "Is it because of ye compass?"

Instinctively Lister tugged the hem of his sleeve.

"Have ye met em?"

"I'm not sure that's any of your business, Chen"

"I'll tell you about mine!" He pulled his sleeve up, revealing his compass. The hand was pointing to his left but moving around quickly suggesting that his soulmate was in the room. "Paul Selby"

"Selby!" Lister almost spat out his drink "Selby's your soulmate?!"

"Right I am" Selby laughed and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek.

"Well congratulations!" Lister stood up and yelled at the barman across the room "Two bottles of your cheapest champagne!"

Selby and Chen laughed "We've been together for a while now, Lister"

"Hey I love celebrating love!"

"Sure you're not trying to get us sloshed so we stop asking you about your compass"

"A bit of both" Lister admitted popping one of the bottles and pouring as much as he could into his mostly empty beer can. "Tell us how you met en"

"Okay but you have to tell us about yours after" Selby told him.

Lister reluctantly agreed and Chen started the story. "So, I've 'ad me compass me whole life so I knew he was on Earth and older than me"

"I got mine when i was a baby" Selby added "I don't remember not having it"

"T'was always jus' facing' south for me"

"And North for me"

"Then when i got to London it started moving a lot more so I knew he was around here somewhere"

"It was may wasn't it?"Selby asked and Chen nodded "Last year. I had been working at the Gloucester for about two months when it started moving"

"I saw that they needed a chef there so i went and applied. Didn't realise it was a gay bar until I got there though" Chen laughed.

"He showed up the first day and saw me in my drag and said... oh what did you say darling?"

"Uhh I said 'Didn't realise the girls were so different in London'" Lister and Peterson laughed.

"And then what did you do?"

"I asked you out" Chen mumbled.

"I told him that I was a man in drag" Selby told Dave and turned back to Chen "And what did you do?"

"I asked you out again"

Seby smiled kissed his boyfriend on the cheek. "And I said yes. Though i was a bit nervous that you wouldn't like me without my make up on"

"But I did and we fell in love!" Chen cheered.

"When did you find out that you were soulmates?" Lister asked

"Not until December!" Selby told him "But i'm glad it is him"

"Thanks luv" Chen smiled and kissed Selby "I'm glad it's you too"

Lister looked at his friends. He'd never seen a couple so comfortable around each other. They were friends and they were boyfriends. They were drinking buddies and they were lovers. Dave decided that they were perfect. They were soulmates. They loved being together but didn't mind being apart. Selby was now doing design in the uni and Chen was still a chef at the pub. They looked after each other. Lister noticed now that though often both of them got tipsy only one of them ever got sloshed at a time. You wouldn't notice, as lister hadn't, that they were an item but when you did you could tell that they loved each other. 

"So" Chen dragged him out of his thoughts "Tell us about yours en"

"Uhh well... it's a man"

"Aww not Kristine then?" Peterson didn't bother giving anyone the tenner.

"No, his name's Arnold Rimmer"

"I bet he's a posh twat" Said Chen.

"Yeah from lo or some smeg" Said Selby.

"So you don't know who he is?"

"No" Lister looked over at the door sensing that someone was coming that he needed to see. And there he was, the man he met at reception. His curls neater than the day before. He was wearing an emerald green rain coat and looked very nervous. He wanted to go over and see if he was okay but he couldn't. He was paying for this champagne and he was gonna finish it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what possessed me to make Chen and Selby and item and to make Selby do drag but thats the way things go folks. Thanks for reading so far, make sure you stay around to find out if Rimmer finally makes some friends and if Lister has the balls to talk to Rimmer. That's if i remember to write any more. Which i will try to. But no promises. Thanks again!  
> Gwen x

**Author's Note:**

> Please pester me about finishing this otherwise i will forget.  
> Hope you liked it!  
> Gwen x


End file.
